Bloke Undees

Bloke Undees: Snug and Colorful

This will be a brief review. After all, how much can I say about underwear in a sports performance newsletter?

Just a few main points. First, I’ve been wearing Bloke Undees when I play soccer or run. And second, this is a departure for me.

I grew up wearing jockey shorts, also known as briefs. Then a funny thing happened the night before my wedding. As a gag gift, one of my groomsmen gave me a pair of boxer shorts with a fruit pattern. “They’re fertility shorts,” he explained. He accompanied them with a sperm-shaped candle, which I was supposed to light while wearing the shorts on appropriate nights.

I stuck the shorts in my underwear drawer, wondering if I should donate them to Goodwill, but never quite getting around to it.

Then one morning, in the midst of a severe clean laundry shortage I tried them on. Living in North Carolina at the time, I was coping with more humidity than I’d ever faced before. And to my surprise, I found that boxers provide tangibly more ventilation.

Not long afterward I wrote an article for Health Magazine about the health effects. It seems that the sperm of men who wear boxer shorts really do have fewer genetic mutations and abnormal necks  and more motility than the sperm of men who wear jockey shorts.

The theory (disputed by some) is that snug underwear heat up the testicles, and that sperm need temperatures lower than the internal organs, which is why men evolved scrota to hang their testicles outside their bodies.

So Why Wear Bloke Undees?

Two children later, I am still wearing boxer shorts most of the time. But I’ve never found them ideal for sports. One problem is that some of my boxer shorts are long enough that they show below the hems of my workout shorts. And once when I was trying Pilates in an Oakland gym, the instructor advised me to wear tighter-fitting underwear when I came back. I didn’t come back.

But I did wonder if I should wear something else for workouts. Then a few weeks ago, I received a package of sample underwear from Bloke Undees.

From studying the Bloke Undees website and speaking to the sales manager, I can tell you that the underwear have six selling points:

  1. They’re from Australia.
  2. They come in bright, creative patterns.
  3. The waistband is extra thick, which presumably means it won’t wear out as fast as on conventional jockey shorts.
  4. They’re from Australia.
  5. They’re made from organic cotton, which the sales manager says is good for sensitive skin and (for reasons I don’t completely follow) prevents global warming.
  6. They’re from Australia.

I’m enthusiastic about points 2, 3, and 5.

And I can also say that Bloke Undees, although labeled as boxers, don’t hang down below my workout shorts. And they are much more snug. I’m pretty sure the Pilates instructor would approve if I ever went back (she’d have to beg me). I have successfully played soccer and gone running in them.

And most important, my wife thinks they’re stylish.